A letter to my 16 year old self

1987 + 16 = 2003.

2012 – 2003 = 9.

Right, now we’ve established my date of birth, the year it is now and how many years have lapsed into the ether since I was 16 years of youth, we may begin.

I suppose, as a product of the brilliant night I have spent with Harriet, Amanda, Yvonne, and two glasses of tasty Rose… where Ron (of course) was with us in spirit, of the non-alcoholic variety, I feel inclined to capture the essence of the evening and our invited ethereal guest with a song that fills me with joy, frivolity and summer joy; Eric Malmberg – Till Minne Av Lilly Lindström. And of course, may I not forget Kris Agius, for were it not for him my body wouldn’t have moved in such a flowing way, whether that be in the car driving somewhere, swimming in the pool or in the utter ecstasy of moving and gesturing to such a triumphant and energetic song. Yes, basically… allow me to start by telling you: 16 year old Andreas, or ‘Andrew’ as you were legally known back then, er, now… allow me to tell you, that although you were so ashamed of your body, this mass of man-bosom and flab… let me tell you that you will learn to LOVE dance, flow, life, energy and everything you can see and to this date, cannot see yet but sense is there anyway.

Okay, so let me say… I am no Yvonne Godfrey. I can’t remember the day and time, what the weather was like and direction the wind was blowing when my great aunt Mavis’ step-cousin twice removed with a bruised hip experienced her first kiss. If I’m lucky, I can tell an excited stranger what I did yesterday, or if I’m really sharp, what I did the day before. So, damn… what WAS I doing back in 2003, ‘back in the year’ of that amazing summer… where I discovered the camera, and realised that I could connect the excitement I felt for Dartmoor and nature with a button that magically ‘captured’ the moment in a way that I could ‘share with the world’… and damn Andrew, didn’t you want to share with the world. Didn’t you want to, didn’t you CRAVE for the world to love you. And of course, weren’t you itching to find the magic formula to love yourself too?

So sweet 16. So sweet you were, where you hid away in the 6th form staff room, because the ‘common’ room was full of ‘those kids “pou apponontai” (translation: show off: in mother’s language and world view.) Little did you know, although you didn’t know how look at girls in the eyes without having your heart race and your paranoid mind paint a ghastly tapestry, where they judged you and laughed at you for being the reflection of pathetic, exactly how you feel you are… you would learn to love girls, in a platonic and intimate way that was devoid of any phallic involvement. Little did you know, the girls would love you; how you would look into their eyes, hold their hand and kiss their tender skin and say “re gamoto” – wouldn’t it be great if I were straight, to be able to have children, a house, and a relationship that is frozen in time, that is perfect until the time you part this often turbulent and confusing existence. But no… you don’t need to worry, Andrew… you don’t have a clue right now how comfortable you will learn to be with your sexuality. How it won’t matter if you’re rejected, if you’re accepted or anything in between… because Andrew, it all boils down to one thing. Can you look in the mirror and say “I love you?” Well I know you… of course you can’t, you’d create a Niagra Falls of vomit over the mirror and frame it as art before you did that. I know you, you’re too raw, scared and confused right now to be able to do this. And of course, with the voices of the whole world, with everyone that has lived, lives now or will live… you delight as you imagine yourself being called “arrogant” or “vain.”

Why are you so scared? You’ve received so much love. Okay, the messages you have received have been confused and conflicting. But don’t worry. I forgive you. I love you. There are no demons inside of you, God loves you. And don’t worry, God isn’t a cunt, he doesn’t go to church on Sunday, he… well… she might masturbate, but that’s just hearsay. In fact, God isn’t a person, isn’t a thing. God is ‘ineffable,’  she is ‘immaterial,’ he is material and immaterial as one, without word, form, theory, religion or doctrine. Did I just explain who or what God is? No… sorry… I didn’t mean to deceive you, but come on – you know that you know a lot more than kids do your age – you believe in things you just don’t quite get or grasp yet. Don’t grasp. Don’t label yourself. Don’t label other people. People live their own realities, their words, their expressions… their actions, it’s a part of the dance of life that mirrors their ‘dream of life’ right back to them.

Say thank you to Andrea in Cyprus. I know you think right now he’s crazy, actually wait, have you met him yet or are you about to meet him? Anyway… you think or you will think he is whacky… he’s a “hippie”… would you care to reject him with any other labels? But no… I know you know better, I know you know that he speaks with truth. I know that you know that you are aligning yourself to his truth, which is a reflection of your own truth. Stick by him, he will be one of your greatest allies and he will catapult you eons into yourself and show you beautiful corners of the universe, inside and out that you can’t even DREAM of conceiving right now. But trust me, you will be the person you’re jealous of right now; you’re envious of. And it’s fine. Feel jealous, feel envious. Hell, do you think I’d feel so proud talking to you, you beautiful person, as I am right now, if I didn’t appreciate how necessary your journey was? Oh and by the way… your depression, don’t hide it, don’t apologise for it… it will be your gift. Oh, and you know that you think you are destined to help people? Yeah, well, the way you think you will help people right now – is limited, is wrong. Hell, the way I still think I will and do help people right now is wrong. But that’s fine – it never was about the ‘grand image’ or the ‘dreams’ in between. It’s more about the attitude you align yourself with… or, more specifically, the energy you choose to merge with; the voices that beckon you but have no tangible voice.

Also, don’t believe in maps as your destination. I know, I know… you feel scared. You want to feel safe, to feel contained by life, to label it and love that label. But don’t. You’re only limiting yourself and misperceiving the reality before you that is utterly infinite through dimensions that I’m still too clumsy to truly understand, let alone walk with. You don’t need to concern yourself about whether you will be a good Dad; of course you will. You already know this. That’s assuming you’ll ever have children. Don’t waste time wondering about the battle between “the haters and the liberals”… it really doesn’t matter if there’s social backlash about gay couples having babies that genetically belong to each other or not. Musing over such fantasies is just like intellectual masturbation. Right now, intellectual masturbation is important to you, cause you want to feel important and superior, ’cause you wanna say “fuck you” to a world that has deceived you, who you erroneously blame for all your problems. There is no blame. In fact… and don’t worry, you’ll get to it when Mr Maloney opens that bag of goodies to you in Theology lessons… you’ll get that there’s not such an existent thing as ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ as you have been told before. Forgive people. Learn to forgive yourself. People speak and act in a way that is alignment with their truth at any given time, at their ‘state of consciousness’ at any one point. And it’s fine… I know you want to change them, well… no, maybe you don’t want to change them quite yet, you feel too shit about yourself to have the power for that… but, people NEED to experience their struggles and joys, even if it’s ‘dumb’ or ‘blind.’ You too are blind. You will learn to keep giving birth to your eyes. You will vomit out the old and welcome in the new. Don’t be alarmed if the new you speaks with new truths – it’s an inevitable aspect of evolving and birthing yourself closer to a state of alignment with your true Self.

Oh, and you’re not who you think you are. Oh, and Tristan will soon be the most significant person in your life. So suuuure, you’ll spend two and a half years talking shit, feeling shit (and ecstatic) about a guy who doesn’t know what the fuck he wants either… but you MUST experience this. And, I want you to make all the mistakes you’re about to. I want you to try and own him. I want you to let the rest of life melt away at the expense of what you’re about to experience. I want you to stick photos of the glowing embers of Dartmoor on your wall and that photo he gifts you of his Ford by the Tamar Bridge. Because all of these pointers will also kick start your heart and soul, and believe me… the music it will make over the next few years will be fucking amazing. Oh, and, when he kisses that girl in that club (and shhhh, I’m gonna be vague, I’ve already ruined enough of the magic of the story that will unfold)… but when he kisses her, and you hear the needle scratch on that record that played beautifully with your fantasy and illusion… you will witness time freezing. You will free fall into yourself and you will learn an important lesson of life. Well, a few actually. But I’ve revealed too many secrets already. Scared a little about this experience? PLEASE DON’T BE, you will want to name your child Tristan in memory of this extraordinary person that gave you such a wonderful journey. Oh, and you won’t really miss him either cause you’ll realise another important secret of the heart, you know that thing where “home is where the heart is?” Yeah, I’ll shut it now, you’ll only interpret it in a way that is so very different from now anyway. Who wants to listen to a 25 year old anyway, they’re ‘ancient and past it’ in ‘gay world’ terms.

Love the gay world. Zeros will make you blossom even if you look at yourself in the mirror with bloodshot eyes wondering why the fuck you’re chatting yourself up in the mirror whilst you’re going for a piss. Chat yourself up, and that song that Madonna will release will make you realise your hips can actually move in a way that you could never imagine, that indeed your “Hips DO Lie”… once again, wait for it… that reference will make sense before you know it.

I’m not going to tell you where you’re going to move to, I’m not going to tell you whether or not you’ll move back either, but trust me when I whisper these words into the basement of your mind…. ‘The City’ by Cavafy. I say that for a cheeky laugh as you won’t understand what these words mean. You’re not dumb, no, don’t get me wrong – also know that the music you love now will age, it will taste sweeter or it will collapse into something smaller. Your next door neighbours you were a bit scared of – by the way, here’s a little secret… they will reflect back to you a life lived, they will reflect back to you the vibrance which now flavours the music of your every day experience. You will fall in love with two girls that will enter your heart and soul forever. The things that matter now won’t matter a great deal before long. The things that don’t matter at all will matter soon.

Cut out violence. Violence of word, violence on TV. It will hurt your brain and soul and retard your growth. Oh, you might even become a vegetarian too. You’re going to learn about the ego soon too – as interesting as it is, you’re going to look the ego straight in the eyes… and don’t worry, you won’t feel awful when you go for a run in the future, you’ll love it and you will dance with your hands. Why dance with your hands? Blame Malta, that night at the beach and the brilliant friends you are about to make.

Trust people. Trust yourself. Life is love, that’s not just pretty words, it’s reality. And if it’s not reality, you’re too smart to keep a lie alive for too long. It just hurts too much to do that doesn’t it? Don’t waste time enthralled by thoughts either. Thoughts are just thoughts. They’re like clouds in the sky. Learn to love them; ‘happy,’ ‘sad,’ or anything in between. They are gifts. They offer you repeated opportunities to align yourself with the present moment so that you may commune with yourself and be in communion with God. I know you’re in the infancy of this understanding – I know you hate that word right now, and you’re right, church has given you loads of lies and you’re right to want to vomit them all away… because they will indeed bring you closer to God. Listen to Pano, he’s probably the wisest man you’ve had the privilege of talking to at this stage in your life. He speaks from the heart… trust him when he tells you not to seek God, that God will find you when, and if you are ready. Don’t let your pride reject ‘his’ God. It’s not ‘your’ God yet, and even when it is, your communion with God will happen with different colours, favours and intensities.

Learn to trust those whims. They’re not just whims. They’re also not magic, so listen to them, but don’t blindly accept other people calling those whims magic. Magic exists anyway. The coincidences that you are about to experience will make Hollywood films seem like boring recycled trash. Which they are by the way. Oh, and Bjork doesn’t have an annoying voice. You will love more than ‘It’s Oh So Quiet.’ Joga will become a hymn of the heart and soul. And you will realise how awesome wine is, and sex is, whether animalistic, out of merging with someone out of love or a mixture of all the above and more. Don’t reject things you don’t understand yet. Don’t say never. Don’t say don’t… these are very bold statements and life is a constant state of birth and decay – permanent words are just too clumsy for a guy like you.

Be proud of your parents. You’re lucky you are. You don’t appreciate it yet and I’m still learning to come to terms with it, but let me share some words with you that you won’t believe just yet. You keep telling people as a 25 year old ‘If I could show 10% of my mother’s love, I know I will have made it.’ Want something else to disbelieve? When you say those words you will feel them for the core of your existence. Oh, and, some of the best connections you will ever make will be with people who don’t ‘think too much.’ When Nicola told you ‘you think too much,’ your pride was hurt, right? Well, she was fucking right. You think too much and it’s boring and tiring. You can be comfortable in life without knowing all the answers or by pretending that you only act in a certain way or another way. But it’s fine, swearing aside… I forgive you. The thinking and churning you’re doing now will make you feel AMAZING and, well, ‘light,’ when you channel it into poetry and love. Don’t blindly trust people that think too much, they are possessed by their mind. Don’t blindly trust people who make loud noises or keep too quiet about themselves. They are not how you imagine them to be. Don’t mistrust, don’t expect trust to be reciprocated either. No formal contracts are ever drawn up when a meeting of heart and soul occurs – a silent knowing and respect is present in the murmur of the background. Align yourself with your truth and then you will hunger for the riches and the poor words that obey the whims of the wind as newspapers hurry around your feet. The rubbish and all that is held high are worth and are the same. They are just as worthy. You will be offered the chance to learn the secrets of the world by staring at a stone alone. What a drunken fool says is just as wise and interesting as an educated workaholic philanthropist. Be proud of your accent. It is a flavoured footprint of the place that sustained you, held you and possibly even shook at its knees as your mother birthed you. It’s a gesture and a prayer to your roots. Don’t be convinced by people who tell you you need to speak, act or dress in a certain way in order to deserve respect and love. You will be an insatiable beast that never lives if you cast your eyes and nets outward to find completion and bliss. You will be an empty fool, however, if you never know what it means to be an insatiable beast, to be rooted in the ground, in a community, to sit in the pocket of someone else’s heart. To have love you must be able to give AND receive it. When the universe breathes, it takes an in AND an out breath.

Masturbation is not a sin. It’s okay not to have net curtains and to dance naked in the view of your neighbours, they’ve probably heard you wanking anyway. It’s okay to go for a walk even though the weather man tells you it’s too cold. Don’t worry about global warming or coca-cola poisoning your body, if you align yourself to your truth you’ll do what you need to do to save yourself, and in turn, be kind to this earth and life. Be kind to this earth, if you mistreat it, like a boomerang, you will find yourself poorer than you need to be. Learn to look up at the sky – they’ve lied to you. Keep seeing animals parading across the expanse in the evening sky. That love heart you will see in the sky soon, that you’ll photograph with your first Canon camera and stare at, dumbfounded for hours, days, weeks and years afterwards… keep that in your heart, it was meant for your eyes and for you to share. There are still worlds in the fibres of the carpet. Smell and touch things more in the world. Close your ears to get a sense of the sounds, rhythm and flow of the world. Keep walking at night time, it IS exciting being bathed in yellow light. Don’t worry about work and money, have the right attitude and you’ll be provided for when you’re ready to receive. Buy good things, you will dance with them holding them in your hands and you’ll delight with them. Listen to Pyx Lax – I know you’ve just stared listening to them now, but you don’t know how profoundly they will imprint their love in your soul. Sarah McLachlan is cool too, but trust me, you won’t have such a bleak outlook when you listen to her music in the future.

If I could finish this letter in a paragraph I would offer the following advice. Rip up this letter, forget every word I’ve told you thus far. You don’t need to know this shit. This is all some bollocks a meddling 25 year old KNOWS you don’t need to know right now. Trust your journey. Love your journey. Love. Life will melt into the walls. The walls will melt into oblivion. Words will disintegrate and life will birth itself with foreign faces and constructs. Love. Love is key. Love is recognition and communion with abundance. Love is the transcendence of duality – where you realise a truer essence of life. Listen to those fools, you are one now and you will be one again, but you never were a fool really and never will be one. Relax. Don’t worry… Be happy. You don’t like that song yet but you will soon. Make time for your neighbours. Make time for your life. Make time to learn. Make time to forgive. Make time to be right and wrong and know that ultimately nothing true or real can be compromised. You’re lucky. You are so rich, you’ve made it but you haven’t realised it yet. I’m still learning it my friend, apparently once isn’t always enough to learn the lesson. In fact, 20 times often isn’t enough when you’re playing games with yourself. I don’t want you to think you’re a better or worse person than you are in the future, in 2012. You’re not. You’re the same now as you will be now. It’s just you’ll see the ‘is’ness of you then and now and in between with a different flavour of understanding! So relax… take it eeeeeeeasy, cause they’ll call you Mika, Ben Stiller and that other guy who is in the films you still think are shit, but funny and cute at the same time (depending on the time and day.) Oh, also, don’t be so up your own arse about music, it’s just music for fuck sakes… but you will still delight in how you listen to ‘awesome music’ and how you’ve departed from that rubbish pop that sounds like farts (p.s. farts will ALWAYS be funny, in fact they’ll be more funny when you’re 25)… and yes, start listening to Alkinoos Ioannidis. He will stain your soul just like Pyx Lax and train journeys through Cornwall are about to. Shit… does this mean my future will forever be different now I’ve revealed these secrets to you? Oops! Okay, sorry 16 year old me… I need to piss right now so I will leave you with a flavour of love, yours and everyone else’s essential essence in this dance and soup of life, matter and all the invisible bits that slip in between…

Gosh you are so beautiful.

Enjoy your life my friend, I know you have a sneaky suspicion already that that is your destiny.

Signed, prematurely and with a full bladder..

Andreas Ilias Sanders… sorry, that in 2003 should read “Andrew Sanders”, you’re familiar with that name at this moment in time.

Just love.

Love is all there is, in 2003, in 2012, now and forever.

…And unto the Ages of Ages… aaaamin! (wouldn’t mother be proud, eh!?)

Music To Travel To

My contribution to the display of musical awesomeness out there tonight leads me to share the following collection of music… Justin Bieber is probably my surprise inclusion to the list of songs I enjoy, but really… if a song is slowed down by 800%, is it still somebody’s song, or does it become the ambient soundscape moanings of a distant near-extinct mountain residing animal?

 

and finally… in response to the beautiful Finished Symphony… I am reminded of a distant friend:

The best ad ever made

Homeless – a recent experience of a friend

I would like to tell you about Kevin…

I met Kevin yesterday. I had to go to the bank to put some cheques in and was walking back to the car park. He was sitting on the pavement asking for money. I stopped (hesitatingly), took out a purse to give him some change. He looked at me and said ‘I just want to talk to someone, I want to tell someone I have cancer.’ I looked at him through the eyes of a Daily Mail reader. What do they write? Scum of the earth, layabouts, good for nothing people.

I sat down next to Kevin on the pavement and we talked. He used to be a very good plasterer, had his own business. Then his mum died, it knocked him out for six. Couldn’t cope mentally. Has depression, tried to top himself. Wife left him three years ago, business went down the drain, he found himself on the streets. He smelled of alcohol, had a woolly hat on with a cancer awareness badge clipped to it. A pair of sturdy hiking boots and very soft hands. Two weeks ago he was kicked in a face and had two metal plates inserted in his jaw. I wanted to know how old he was. On 5th October he will be 46 years old. I asked what he would like for his birthday present. He said ‘Domino’s pizza’. I promised to take him out for a pizza. So in a week’s time we are going out for a pizza. As I was leaving, he kissed my hands and thanked me for listening…I did not leave any change, but Kevin and I have a pizza date.

The moral of the story: stop and listen…

George Carlin – Earth is NOT endangered – WE ARE

Kemal

~ Alkinoos Ioannidis – Kemal

Listen now to the story of Kemal
A young prince of the East
Descendant of Sinbad the Sailor
Who thought he could change the world
But bitter is the will of Allah
And dark the souls of men

In the lands of the East once upon a time
The purse was empty and the water stale
In Mosul and Bushehr on the old coconut tree
The children of the desert now cry bitter tears

And a young man of an old and royal line
Hears the lament and grows near
The Bedouins look at him sadly
And he gives them an oath in Allah’s name, that times will change

When the lords heard of the lad’s fearlessness
They set out with wolf’s teeth and lion’s skin
From Tigris to Euphrates, from the earth to the heavens
They hunt for the deserter, to capture him alive

The horde descend upon him like rabid dogs
Taking him to the Caliph to place the noose
Black honey and black milk he drank that morning
Before he breathed his last breath on the gallows

The Prophet awaits before the Gates of Heaven
With two elderly camels and a red horse
They now go hand in hand and it’s cloudy
But the star of Damascus kept them company

In a month and a year they see Allah before them
And from his high throne he says to the simple Sinbad:
“My beaten smart-aleck, times do not change,
The world always moves on by fire and blades”

Goodnight Kemal, this world will never change
Goodnight…

More Awesome Music